How can I be better in bed?

I love the simplicity of your question, but I want to point out that it is very one-sided. You say want to be “better” in the sack, as if sex were a skill that one can possess that makes them good in bed. It is worth a reminder here that sex involves two people! Although it is true that there are “techniques” you can learn, but something that one partner may love and find pleasurable, another won’t like at all. Sex is about two people connecting, about letting go of barriers and boundaries between two human beings. Sex allows us to express to another what we may be afraid to communicate verbally, gives us a chance to become truly vulnerable and reveal our true essence to another person, and it can even be a way that we can connect to the divine or universal energy through merging with another soul in a physical way. The problem is, most of us don’t consider this spiritual dimension to sex- which leaves us to just the mechanics. This takes away the mental and spiritual part of it and relegates us to only the physical. When sex between two people is “first I do this, then I do that, followed by this again three times” it becomes boring very quickly. I would start by really focusing on your partner, what does he like? How do you respond when he does something that you like? It is an interchange, you are not “doing” anything to each other- not only are you are “doing” it together, you are “being” together (being just is and doesn’t involve doing). Adopting this attitude allows your sex life to have life and be organic. It give you a chance for sex as a couple to evolve, grow and change over time- by constantly exploring new areas, new boundaries, forcing each other to open up more, exposing new areas of each other’s dark side (which is a great, really interesting thing to explore sexually!). Not to sound too old fashioned here, but I believe that really good sex can only occur in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. This is not to say that it isn’t possible to have a hot fling or two that involves great sex, but the mental and spiritual aspect of sex comes when there is trust, affection, commitment, friendship, mutual goals, and love that is freely expressed. When sex is mechanical, and you are focusing on your performance and if it is “good” or not, it is really hard to maintain a sex life over many, many years with one partner that stays interesting, fresh, and exciting for both parties. A sex life that involves a deep spiritual element to it will allow two people to be always exploring themselves and each other, play out fantasies within the safety and security of the relationship, and allow your partner to really be your lover (and you his) for a lifetime. Don’t focus on you and your “performance”- focus on him. Then, he will shift his focus to be on you. Sex is about giving and receiving equally, becoming one with each other. The best way to be “better in bed” is to change the way you look at it- yes, sex is an act of physical pleasure, but it is also an expression of love and the merging of two souls into one divine entity.

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2 thoughts on “How can I be better in bed?

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